Rasm-e-Mehndi

The Rasm-e-Mehndi is all about celebration. Many will be surprised to know how common this custom is through-out the world. Middle Eastern brides and North African and Indian, whether Jewish Christian Muslim Jain or Sikh are showered with a Mehndi Party (Henna) a few days before the wedding. The only difference I have noticed is that the designs made with the Henna (Mehndi) varies greatly from culture to culture.

In some Jewish circles, a cloth is used as a motif and the henna is applied on it, and family members are encouraged to bring different motifs with some emotional significance.

In India, each artist will go to elaborate lengths to draw finely drawn original designs on the arms and legs of the Bride. With special attention given to the hands and feet because whereas the forearm or the legs may be hidden by garments, the hands and feet of the Bride are always visible.

A Mehndi party has two aspects to it. One is the actual application of the Mehndi and the other is the party. The two are held 24 hours apart which is how long it takes for the Mehndi that is applied to dry and set on the body of the applicant.

For the first party - the Mehndi application get together - you may need lots of pillows because most desi’s will sit on the floor and recline against the pillow for support. The pillow covers should be in as bright colors as you can find, usually yellow and greens. The bride will be waited on and will be encouraged to sit back and relax.

TIP: Get a painter’s style large plastic sheet - available at hardware stores e.g. Home Depot - this will prevent the carpet from requiring cleaning because after the henna dries, it falls off the skin in small pieces and gets into all sorts of nooks and crannies. You will need a vacuum cleaner to clean up later.

When the bride and guest have had Mehndi applied to their hands and feet and it is still wet, all of them will be holding their hands in the air avoiding their henna designs from getting ruined. And pretty soon they will realize they are hungry. So make arrangements for easy to eat food, like finger foods, since many guests would rather not tempt fate and eat a regular meal of roti and Desi food which may require them washing their hands or otherwise ruin their beautiful designs of Mehndi.

Stick with sandwiches and kabob rolls, pakora’s and Samosa’s etc., accompanied by such perennial favorites as Mango juice or Mango shakes and or Faluda or something similar. There may be a youngster or two wanting a coke, so keep some soft drinks on hand as well.

And for Desi’s, tea is always a good idea especially after food, to negate any food comma or revive flagging energy levels. Make a pot full but only when people are ready to drink so that it is fresh and does not have that long festering stale taste. Attention to detail is important to keep your guests happy. Cold tea tastes terrible and the only thing worse is reheated tea.

The Engagement

October 16, 2010: The location, our home, an hour before my daughter's fiancee and "in-law to-be" arrived for the mangna and the Engagement following it.
Our artistic first cousin Maria had agreed to do the Mendhi on Sara's hand and feet :

Henna design & application by Maria

Design & application by Maria

Walking down the stairs

So the Rasum is that girl walks in wearing clothes that are Red in color which have been made for her by the "in-Laws";  when she walks down the staircase on her brother's arm and into the room she is wearing the traditional red clothes but they are relatively plain. The symbolism is obvious.





Once she is seated and the proposal is accepted,  the groom-to-be takes a seat next to her.
At this point either the mother-in-law or the sister-law brings out the decorated clothes and jewelry. Slowly and carefully she adorns the bride-to-be with these most elaborate dupatta, bangles, earrings and necklace. Topping it off with the Teeka on the forehead. Voila:  Beauty Blooms.

Dupatta

Bangles

Final Touches

naazar nA lagaye

Marriage License

Back to the role of advising future Brides and Bridegrooms and their parents about getting married in these United States:

So before you can get officially married, you must obtain a marriage license. A Marriage License requirement varies by State so for the state you are in, consult the web site of the State Clerk of Court for the requirements and the forms to be filled out.

Since we live in Texas we had to meet the requirements of the great State of Texas.
One of these is that the couple appear together at the County Clerk of Court to file the request for a Marriage License.Make sure you take cash since at least in Texas they do not accept checks or credit cards. The fee for a Marriage License is $67.00

The second major requirement is that there is a three day waiting period between when you get your marriage license and when you get married. Most of the time this is not a issue.
In my daughter's circumstances this became a problem. The groom was attending a Conference directly pertinent to his doctoral program being accompanied by his adviser and there was little chance for him to get out of this commitment.

The Law allows a Waiver of the three day waiting period. This Waiver though has to be signed by a District Court Judge on an approved form which you can get from the County Clerk of Court. This means you need to find out which county you live in, and where your Clerk of Court office is located. Happily many of the forms are available on-line these days. But please read the requirements carefully.

For instance on the bottom of one it is pre-printed "Texas Notary Public" which leads one to believe that only a Texas based Notary may notarize this document. Clearly this is hard to do if you are in a different state but in reality the document can be notarized anywhere in these United States or in a Consular Office overseas for that matter.

Another "gotcha" is that the "Waiver" form implies that the form has to be signed in front of the Judge, yet if you are going to be absent clearly you can not sign in front of the judge. The lack of the groom's signature almost derailed our plans but thanks to the Judge, he allowed us to fax the form to the groom and obtain his signature which he then could compare with the other signature to make sure it was the same person, and finally we got our waiver but not without some high anxiety.
And after the marriage ceremony is completed, someone, preferably someone reliable in the family must take the Marriage License to the County Clerk of Court Office and File it. After you have "filed" it, meaning "registered" that the marriage did indeed take place - which they verify from the signatures at the appropriate places - after a few days they will mail you the Marriage Certificate to the mailing address listed on the Marriage License.

The "MaNgna": The "Rasums" begin

Before getting into the wedding details further, let me step back and steep into the present.
It is now two days to when my daughter's future In-Laws arrive for the official "MaNgna" or "bringing of the proposal".

Two days to put the finishing touches on the final plans for the initial "rasums".

The very first "rasum" we had was we -the Bride's side - had to purchase a "covering" - which is to say, a blanket or a shawl or something similar, to be presented to the Father-in-Law to-be.
This is the very first purchase before anything else is done, and sets the tone for the relationship and what you are willing to put into it.

This is how it went:

First as a back up plan we purchased a blanket over here in the US at a Department store. This was nice however there was very little effort that went into it other than driving to the Mall and walking to the store & pulling out the plastic.

So to make it meaningful we decided to get a 'Man's' shawl from the old country. But how to do this? How to choose, how to pay for it, and how to get it here?

So I called my childhood friend, Azhar - we grew up together.
I told him my problem. He said he would take care of it. There was one crucial condition the Rasum requires that we the Brides family pay for this 'gift' - so we had to arrange for the funds to be available for purchase. Somehow we managed to meet this requirement as well. I gave Azhar our requirements and choice of color.
Azhar obtained the Shawl in a white color with colored fringes. Then he had it shipped by DHL.
Till it got here we held on to the blanket from the Department store as a security blanket, so to speak.
Then the white shawl reached here, and we all breathed a deep sigh of collective relief and returned the Department store blanket back to them brand new never having been taking out of the bag even.
And the intent of obtaining something meaningful with thought and purpose and effort expended has been satisfied.

Keep tuned to learn how the future in-laws like the Shawl and how the whole event turned out.

From our perspective we are on the eve of a quantum-leap in family acquisition and expansion and the excitement in the air is palpable.

The house has been scrubbed clean, the carpets vacuumed, the china washed and food for thirty three people has been ordered - we decided to go with a Persian food place this first time, the Restaurant is called Bijan and is located on Hillcroft. We frequent it often and like the food. The owner Mr. Ameer was not present when we placed the order but his manager Mohammed Billal - AKA Tony - took care of us.

Tonight I have to put up the lights outside the house.
The flowers have been ordered and the container flowers are in bloom - next time I will post a photo.

The Engagement will immediately follow the "MaNgna". Photo's of that coming as well.

To all of you readers, please leave a comment, thanks for visiting and wish us good luck.

Dulhan kA Jo'Ra

A Youtube presentation of sampling of Dulhan kA Jo'Ra

About the Choli and the Lehnga:
A choli is a midriff-baring blouse worn in India, Pakistan, Sri Lanka, Bangladesh.
The choli is tailored to be body tight and has short sleeves and a low neck line. It is also usually cropped, allowing exposure of the navel; the cropped design is particularly well-suited for wear in the sultry South Asian summers. Cut-out backs and front-opening buttons are additional contemporary designs.
Saris are often woven with an extra length of material meant to be cut off and fashioned into a matching choli. The choli may be sewn so that the elaborately woven borders of the sari material form the bottom edges of the choli sleeves. However the choli need not match the sari. There is a growing trend towards stretchy comfortable choli’s made from knit materials.

Some women in the rural areas may also wear the choli with a gypsy skirt, or lehnga. Their cholis are often loosely fitted and heavily ornamented with embroidery and sheesha embroidery – the latter uses very small mirrors sewn into the dress making the clothes shimmer with the light.
When wearing a semi-transparent kameez women usually wear a sleeveless choli as an undergarment similar to a camisole.
A lehenga is a skirt worn with a choli, also called a gypsy skirt or gopi skirt. The lehenga has become stereo-typed with women from Gujarat and Rajasthan provinces however the lehenga is native to several other parts of the sub-continent as well.
For this reason the lehenga is worn in different styles made of different fabrics and includes unique designs in different parts of the subcontinent.
The lehenga of Rajasthan and Gujarat is known for its bandhni work which is a technique in tie-dye mastered by Hindu women of the region. In the Southern states of India, the lehenga skirt is not as voluminous and is worn without a chunni/chunri but with a kurti that covers the midriff. The lehenga worn in the Northern states of Uttar Pradesh and Uttarkhand has a voluminous skirt and kurti/choli that covers midriff with a long chunni.
To see some samples click here:

For the same reasons mentioned in "its all about the Dress", the other important members of the retinue also have to place their orders for their respective dresses well ahead of time if they expect to get them back in time for the shaadi.
These include the mother of the Bride.  The Bride's sister(s) and others who will be taking an important role in the Shaadi function such as the "sahelian" - the sahelian are friends of the brides and the Christian Equivalent might be Bridesmaids.
The dresses for the sahelian are designed and color coordinated with the Dulhan ka jo'Ra in mind. While the sahelian clothes ought to complement the Dulhan's they do better if they are not of the same exact color as the dulhan ka jo'Ra. The idea being to identify the sahelian as special and distinguished by virtue of their dress coordination and matching the design features of the duhlan ka joRa while at the same time not competing for attention with the dulhan.
After all no one will dispute the fact that this is the "Day of the Dulhan".

Its all about the Dress

Modern Dulhan

In a Desi shaadi the dulhan (bride) wears very traditional Dulhan kA jo'Ra (bridal clothes) and while the color white is making some inroads for the most part the Bridal Dress is some bright shade of red.
The Dress can be fire engine red maroon fuchsia or some shade of red the name of which can only be found in the Crayola dictionary of colors.

Then there is the custom handiwork on the dulhan's jhorA. All the intricate design work is hand made.
And the craft is practiced by a few specialized tailors in India and Pakistan.  
Couple this with the fact that since no Desi-Muslim weddings take place during the months of Ramadan and Muharram, there is a rush of weddings subsequent to these months. During Ramadan even the Tailors work limited hours. All this would be pretty limiting factors by themselves. Throw in an unusually heavy monsoon season rainfall, unprecedented rainfall and floods in Pakistan, and suddenly you are up against some incredible obstacles in terms of the length of time it will take to get the brides clothes done on time.
Will you have time for a fitting? Will there even be a fitting session? Who knows.
The point is that the Dulhan's clothes now lie on the critical path (if you were making a schedule for the wedding) and there is no slack time what so ever.
This is not good.
Moreover the cost just went up 20%
If cost is no object one can walk into one of the exclusive Boutique's and buy an exquisite bridal dress for about $6000.00 however if your budget is slightly more modest than this, than you have to learn to play the Tailor's game:
Which goes something like this:

Thank God found Tailor
Oh no
Tailor AWOL
Losing mind
give mo money
money not working
losin mind
tailor gone
what to do
never mind
I-give-up
game over
everyone crying

On a serious note the only protection you can have is to find someone who knows people who know people. Preferably some of the people they know includes a bridal tailor.

After you (the Bride) have picked your basic color for the bridal dress - which you pick after you have picked what jewelry you will be wearing.  The jewelry may or may not belong to you, it may be your Mom's or even your grandmother's - which is either gifted to you or loaned to you depending on how well off your family is - for your wedding.
Ideally the clothes designer will pick a color off of the jewelery to coordinate your Bridal clothes colors.  However there is no single best way to do this.
Typically the clothes designer is either a relative, or a close friend, or one of the Sahelian.

In our case we are so lucky that Mona Aunty agreed to take on the job. She is a pro without actually working at it. She just loves to do it. Mona Aunty - I say Aunty because my daughter says Aunty and I have never personally met her - is Annia's Mom and is the most amazing person in the world. Annia is my daugther's BFF.
Anyway Mona Aunty explained to my wife how a thicker thread might cover the dulhan ka jo'Ra in a less costly way however would not look as nice and why and to go ahead and splurge for the finer thread to get the fine look that comes from true craftsmanship.
Who knew?

In the beginning part 2

YOU need your venue booked before you can print your invitation cards but you cant book your venue until you know how many people will be attending. Clearly if you book a hall that can accommodate 100 guests and then invite 250 people - there is going to be a problem.

So before you book a venue make out your guest list.

For a Desi shaadi, the guest list will generally be in four categories as follows:

The Brides guests
The Bridegrooms guests
Guests of the bride's parents
Guests of the bridegroom's parents

If the total number of guests is getting out of hand, there are some ways you can approach this dilemma. First you can easily exclude children.
A wedding should be a fun function but it is also a solemn occasion celebrating the coming together of two people for life.
Ill mannered rambunctious children can detract from the occasion and once the urchins are on the premises there will be little you can do to control their behavior.
By excluding them from the invitation you solve two problems at the same time.

The guest list for the Mendi will be different than for the main shaadi function and if your Nikah ceremony is separate than that is a separate guest list as well.


Aside from this the choice of the actual wedding date is crucial. You don't want it conflicting with a cousin's wedding which will divide the family attendance and similarly you want to make sure it's not the same day as a family members graduation day.

In Islamic tradition there are some months more auspicious for holding weddings than others but for the most part people care more about the convenience factor. The main object is to ensure maximum attendance.
In the US the months that have the highest census for weddings is June when 11% of all weddings take place. You  will want to take this into account because what that means is that you are competing with that many more people for the same facilities.

Economics 101 says higher demand with static supply translates into higher prices.
So everything else being equal June will be the most expensive month for a wedding in the US.

In the begininng

THERE are certain things that are common among all humans so in the beginning the ideas and thoughts that go into the shaadi planning will have much in common with the wedding planning of other cultures.
After all people have been getting married and celebrating those marriages for generations. If you think about it, no matter what culture you belong to, and what faith, there is an original wedding story. Whether it is Adam being lonely and finding Eve, or some variation thereof. The story usually starts with a man feeling lonely, goes in search of finding a mate ... a companion ... a beloved ... preferably pretty ... hopefully smart, and then proposing to her and if the stars are properly aligned, she will yes, meaning he can then marrying her, and settle down.
For many girls it has got to the point where they focus so much on the wedding, they forget to think about the marriage -- but that is a theme for another day. Today, we will talk about how to execute a perfect wedding plan.
To plan and to execute a perfect wedding requires that first you put into it a lot of thought and self analysis.
Before you think about the invitation cards the food and the music consider for example your own Desi as well as Muslim connections.
What elements of Desi culture interests you? What Islamic connections do you and your partner share?
In which ways do your Muslim observances differ from each other?
This is even more critical in a cross cultural marriage.
Which cultural aspects will play the pivotal role?
The non-Muslim (and/or non-desi) partner may want to be specific about which aspects of the Muslim/Desi wedding traditions and customs they enjoy and have his questions about the Desi Muslim customs and culture answered.
In America typically the bride sets the tone for such things however one can never take such things for granted.

For instance if you have to have halal food served then this will determine which venues are open to you for the ceremony - for not all venues allow outside caterers and there are almost none totally Muslim shaadi venues.
There are desi caterers that may not supply halal food or if they do supply halal food may not be able to meet your "taste-of-food" criteria.
This one decision alone narrows your choice of feasible venues dramatically.
The choice of venue has to come first in your planning because until you decide on the venue and sign a contract, making sure it is available on the day of your wedding, there is little you can do about say printing invitation cards.
Just when you think you have this aspect of your shaadi covered, you realize that you need more than one venue for a desi shaadi.
Depending on your own personal choices, you may need a venue for the:

Nikah ceremony
Mehndi function
Rukhsati ceremony
Valima function

Typically the Valima is held by the Bridegroom's family however in a congenial wedding if the families are coming together and live in the same city they may plan these things together and share ideas.

You will also have to grapple with the choice of caterer as mentioned.
Do you want the same caterer for all functions and change the menu at each occasion?
Or a different caterer and venue at each function ?

As you can see the permutations and combinations become staggering if you let it.